Leaf Litter.

I've decided that to sit their and watch her cry is one of the hardest things for me.

To not know what to say, and to not be able to say the right thing anymore scares me. I used to know what to say, or even if I didn't, it used to be enough that I was there to make inappropriate comments, hand you tissues, laugh nervously or cry. I don't know if you noticed last night, but I didn't look at you, I just pretended to watch the television trying so hard not to cry. What have I got? What have I got? Tell me, because I haven't got anything. It's like you've got no fight left. It's hard to watch you give up. Maybe I should have carried on walking away. I just want something to be happy about. I've got nothing. I haven't got anything. At all. Nothing. I just want something. Hearing you talk like this made me feel like I was seven again. I used to lay awake at night and think about dying. And I always used to get confused. Because if you die, what happens to your mind? - It's never switched off, it's never not there, but if you're dead, it doesn't exist, but you wont know this, and your just nothing, but you can't be nothing, because your mind isn't physical, so it can't die, but it has to, because it's just your brain. And all of a sudden, I'd get so confused trying to work it all out, and I'd get so scared, and I couldn't sleep. Eventually I decided that dying was like floating in space, and that's all you did, forever. I wasn't scared anymore. I just want something to be happy about. I've got nothing. I haven't got anything. At all. Nothing. I'm scared again. It's like you're not there anymore. Your eyes looked so sore, and there was nothing I could do.