We Never Change.

Burning Bridges. I have heard people say this a lot recently. I'm pretty sure it's my turn.

We haven't really spoken for six months. You were going to come and see me. I told you, you couldn't. I didn't want you to. You were suffocating me. You were soffocating us. There wasn't an us. I didn't want there to be an us. I said there never had been, but somewhere along the way it seemed we had forgotten. I'd got myself into a place I didn't want to be, and I hadn't realised it before now. I told you that I'd come to depend on you. And it scared me. And I didn’t want it. You started to affect my moods, and that wasn’t right. You called me up drunk. You told me I’d fucked you over. You told me that you loved me. And that it hurts. And that you could never be angry at me, because you could never do without me. You couldn’t imagine me not being there. You didn’t want me to ever not be there. You told me you hated me, but you loved me more. You cried. I read you a story until you fell asleep. I cried as well. You don’t know this though. I told you that you were my best friend, I don’t think you believed me. You were convinced I didn’t like you. You said you never realised that I needed you. I hope you believed me. I hope you believed what I said. We stopped talking. I didn’t call you anymore. You stopped asking me to call you.

My Granddad died and you asked me how I was. It was the first time I’d spoken to you in months. I said I was going okay, and you gave your best wishes. I phoned you a couple of months later. You were back with your ex-girlfriend. The one that you broke up with, but assured me that it was nothing to do with me. We stopped talking, you got back together. You didn’t sound very happy. You said that you’d been fighting, that you’d started carrying a knife. You said that you shouldn’t have got back with your ex-girlfriend. You said that your parents wanted to kick you out. You said you wanted to leave. You said that all of your friends were leaving. That they were all going away to University soon. You said that you didn’t know what you had left. You said you weren’t very happy. You said that your Mother wanted to send you back to therapy. You said you didn’t know what you were going to do with yourself. So I asked you to look after yourself, and to stop carrying knives, and to try and be calmer, and to phone me if you thought you were going to do something bad. I asked you. I made you promise. And you said you would.

I phoned you two weeks later. Today. You sounded happy. You picked up the phone and I knew you were happy. You told me that you weren’t with your ex-girlfriend anymore. That you had a new girl. That you were very happy despite your Mother and your ex-girlfriend coming down on you. You had an argument with your Mother. You said you didn’t care. I said it was nice to hear you happy, that I was glad that you had a new girl. You said that you’ve told her all about me. How I’m your best friend. You said you missed me a lot. I said I missed you too. I apologised for not phoning you sooner. You said it was okay, that you understand. You told me about your new girl. How happy you were. How you didn’t care what anyone said at the moment – you were happy. I wanted to cry. Maybe it was because I was happy for you. Or maybe it’s because you don’t’ need me anymore.

I think I used you and that now I regret it and that I wish I hadn’t burnt that bridge when I told you I didn’t want to talk as much anymore, and that I couldn’t phone you anymore, and that I didn’t love you, and I didn’t think I could, that I was close to you, and that I cared for you, and I wanted to love you, but it was never enough, and that it wouldn’t ever be enough. I am sorry.

When I asked if you were together, you said yes. Yes we are. You used the voice. The voice that you used when you were getting tired on the phone and I would read to you, or tell you a story, or just talk about nothing until you fell asleep and I’d hang up. I miss you falling asleep.