I played poker tonight. I won the first round. I didn't play in the second.
Today I also attended my Gran's funeral.
There was a sort of wake. It consisted of my 'family' having drinks at a local pub. Everyone made polite conversation and ignored the fact that my Uncle and his partner of 29 years are alcoholics and she is still the mistress because they never got married. The fact that I haven't spoken to my 'Father' in four years and that my brother is trying desperatly hard to be nice to him, to form a relationship, was also being ignored. My 'father's' partner was also there, it was being ignored that I was ignoring her.
When I finished full time education we had to move out of our house so that my 'father' could have the house back - Afterall, he did pay for it.. We moved out. My 'father's' partner started saying comments about the state of the houe. How it wasn't clean. That there was loads of rubbish in it. It smelled. The thing is, she doesn't get it, I know it's a lie. I can't say it, but it's a lie. It wasn't. She's lying. I swear she's lying.
We sang the same song that was sung at my Grandads funeral Amazing Grace. It was pretty sad I guess. We sang All Things Bright and Beautiful afterwards. It was pretty uplifting I guess.
I didn't cry during the funeral. Part of me felt bad. The other felt okay about it. I cried when we had to stand in a line at the end of the funeral and have people come up to us in order and say how sorry they were. I don't understand. I didn't know many of the people. They wanted to hug me, and give me a kiss on the cheek, and offer their word. I didn't want it. I don't know them. I took to clinging onto my brothers arm and placing my body mostly behind him. My face was turned away. I didn't want these people to acknowledge me in any sense. I didn't want them to 'comfort' me.. How could they, right? I found the whole experience pretty daunting. Pretty distressing. Pretty unpleasant. I felt as though I was a small child again, hiding behind someone bigger. I hope they noticed.
Today I also attended my Gran's funeral.
There was a sort of wake. It consisted of my 'family' having drinks at a local pub. Everyone made polite conversation and ignored the fact that my Uncle and his partner of 29 years are alcoholics and she is still the mistress because they never got married. The fact that I haven't spoken to my 'Father' in four years and that my brother is trying desperatly hard to be nice to him, to form a relationship, was also being ignored. My 'father's' partner was also there, it was being ignored that I was ignoring her.
When I finished full time education we had to move out of our house so that my 'father' could have the house back - Afterall, he did pay for it.. We moved out. My 'father's' partner started saying comments about the state of the houe. How it wasn't clean. That there was loads of rubbish in it. It smelled. The thing is, she doesn't get it, I know it's a lie. I can't say it, but it's a lie. It wasn't. She's lying. I swear she's lying.
We sang the same song that was sung at my Grandads funeral Amazing Grace. It was pretty sad I guess. We sang All Things Bright and Beautiful afterwards. It was pretty uplifting I guess.
I didn't cry during the funeral. Part of me felt bad. The other felt okay about it. I cried when we had to stand in a line at the end of the funeral and have people come up to us in order and say how sorry they were. I don't understand. I didn't know many of the people. They wanted to hug me, and give me a kiss on the cheek, and offer their word. I didn't want it. I don't know them. I took to clinging onto my brothers arm and placing my body mostly behind him. My face was turned away. I didn't want these people to acknowledge me in any sense. I didn't want them to 'comfort' me.. How could they, right? I found the whole experience pretty daunting. Pretty distressing. Pretty unpleasant. I felt as though I was a small child again, hiding behind someone bigger. I hope they noticed.
I didn't say 'Amen' at the end of the prayers. If I did it would have felt like cheating. Do you think she is disappointed?
These pictures are pretty old.
These pictures are pretty old.
1 comment:
During weddings and funerals, I always think it's funny how people follow a lot of traditions associated with such events without sincerity. People just go through the motions. I don't think this was exactly what you were talking about with this post, but it reminded of those sort of things.
Grandparents are special people. Mine seem to be even more with me now that they are gone. I constantly ask myself, "What would grandma/grandpa think of me doing this?" It helps keep myself in check.
Post a Comment